KICKING IT WITH JESUS

​​​Twelve years ago while i was praying, i had a vision where Jesus stretched out His hand toward me.  We both mounted horses and rode side by side through the trees.  Soon we came to the far end of the woods, which opened onto a broad, rolling meadow.  In the distance stood a shining city on a hill.  i wanted to check it out, but Jesus dismounted His horse and laid down next to the stream.  So reluctantly i also got off my horse and settled in next to Jesus.
 
We both laid there in the soft grass for awhile, our hands behind our heads as we looked up at the sky.  Then Jesus broke the silence.  “I know your heart is set on that city, but first you must learn to ride.”
 
“What’s up with that?” i wondered.   Chuckling, i asked what the horse represented.
 
“The power and the strength and the valor of God,” i heard in the Spirit.  It was such a massive revelation that it totally astounded me, and still does.  How could i ever hope to master such a thing?
 
A month later while i was hanging with a friend, he got a different sort of vision.  Jesus and i were celebrating Christmas, just the two of us.  Although it was His birthday, i was the one getting presents.  There were lots of gifts, and when i opened the smallest one i was overcome with joy because it was exceedingly good.  Although i wanted to open the other gifts, it wasn’t time for that.  It was time to savor the smallest gift, because it was the greatest.
 
My friend who’d seen these things didn’t identify the gift, but I knew what it was; it was intimacy with Jesus!  His presence is His greatest present; it’s the pearl of great price!  So that night i gave everything i had to God, and confessed to Him that He was worth way more than what i could give.  i asked Him to use everything i had and everything i was for His glory.  And then we talked some more about horses.
 
Some time ago i’d seen a movie named Buck, about a trainer who had a very special connection with his horse.  When i’d seen how Buck’s horse had moved under him - leaning left when he leaned left and to the right when he leaned right, not needing the slightest nudge of a rein or a heel but responding only to the shift of Buck’s weight, i felt a strong urge to become like that horse.  i wanted Jesus to gain such mastery over me that i became sensitive to His slightest leanings.
 
As bizarre as it sounds, that desire of mine didn’t prove fleeting, but only grew stronger over time.  So i invited Jesus to come live His life in me, however He chose.  i told Him that i wanted to be like Buck’s horse, responsive to His slightest touch and His every movement even when we weren’t touching.  Whichever way He moved, i wanted to move, freely, effortlessly and endlessly!
 
The next morning when i woke, i heard God tell me to go.  He didn’t say where, but i knew it was up the mountain, so i threw on my jeans, T-shirt and sandals and walked out the door.  He guided my steps and shared many things with me along the way, mostly without words.  This time it wasn’t just a vision, but something that really happened!
 
As we climbed above the forest, the sharp peaks and granite massifs of the Sawtooth Ridge came into view.  My heart soared to see the spring snowmelt glistening in the sunlight and cascading over smoothly polished rocks.  Above the highest falls the trail flattened and the creek meandered through broken glades of pine and fir.  i found a shady spot in a horseshoe bend and sat down in soft grass.  Kicking off my sandals, i dangled my feet in the stream and soaked in the breathtaking view.
 
“i am here,” i said, recalling the words of Samuel.  “Speak, Lord, for your servant is listening.”
 
After a little while He led me to strip down and dunk myself three times in the glacier-fed stream.  When i finally stood up i was no longer pale, but a rosy numb icicle.  So i quickly hopped out of the frigid water and sat cross-legged in a sliver of sunshine on the bank, still dripping wet.
 
“Put on your clothes,” God said.
 
No sooner had i pulled up my boxers than i glimpsed a lone backpacker trekking up the trail.  i struggled to yank my jeans over my damp legs, then pull my t-shirt over my head.  “Now I know why You had me dress so quickly,” i thought.  The hiker seemed to be looking straight up the trail and was a good forty yards away from me, so he probably hadn’t seen me.  i was grateful for the privacy.
 
After i’d warmed up a bit i found a fallen tree spanning the creek and clumsily traipsed over it into a pristine meadow, where i tossed off my shirt and plunked myself down in long, soft grass.  Soaking up a lot more sun as my hands now rested behind my head, i was reminded of the vision i’d had a month earlier.  This time, however, Jesus didn’t say anything to me.
 
For the next six weeks i pondered the meaning of all those things, without much revelation.  Then God reminded me that the place where i had been immersed was called Horse Creek!  By dunking me in it, He’d anointed me to move in power, strength and valor; that’s why i had been submerged three times.  Through it He was seeding a new heart in me, the heart of His beloved.  Yet most of my growth seemed to take place after the action stopped, while i was kicking it with Jesus by the stream.
 
First i had seen it, then i had lived it, straight out of the Twenty-third Psalm.  But there was also a tinge of Job, for several months before i’d gotten a vision about peace i’d gotten a vision about war.
 
A friend and i were in a foxhole.  He was on the bottom and i was lying on top of him, covering him.  Shot in the back, i was bleeding profusely from friendly fire.  It was a ghastly image, yet it wasn’t demonic because it had arisen during a church service while i was passionately worshipping God.
 
i wanted to move beyond that grisly scene, so I tried to imagine Jesus by my side, putting His hand on me, healing the wound.  But i didn’t seem to be thinking clearly, so i asked God to show me how the vision ended.
 
i saw my lifeless body again, but this time my spirit had left my flesh and hovered above it.  My friend, realizing i was dead, pushed me aside, stuck his head out of the foxhole and looked around.  Seeing no signs of engagement, he jumped out of the hole and trotted off with his semiautomatic weapon slung over his shoulder, disappearing over the horizon.
 
Most of that year passed before God showed me that the vision of my friend and me in a foxhole and the vision of Jesus and me at the stream were successive parts of a single vision.  Together they portrayed the true story about how i had been wounded and how i was being healed.
 
It was quite an “Aha!” to realize that as soon as my friend had disappeared over the horizon, Jesus had reached out His hand to me.  But it took me quite awhile to grasp what it all meant.
 
Sixteen months before i’d gotten that first vision, i’d taken a lot of blows in a ministry i was leading.  i had been hauled before my supervisor and blamed for a lot of things i hadn’t done.  A bunch of people i had depended upon suddenly left me, and the ministry collapsed.  The accusations echoed things the enemy had been lying to me about for decades.  i was hit hard in places i’d first been wounded as a child.  Although i had forgiven everyone and we’d all moved on, the ministry didn’t recover until i stepped away from it.
 
What felt like a defeat turned out to be a victory, when viewed through the lens of the cross.  God worked relentlessly to heal my trauma and grow in me a new heart, rooted in His love as a Father and His devotion as a Son.  He also spoke repeatedly to me about Who He was as Father, Son and Spirit, mainly through the Book of Isaiah, but also through the Book of Job.
 
When Job was struggling to see where God was in the midst of his trials, God had said to him
 
Do you give the horse its strength or clothe its neck with a flowing mane?  It laughs at fear, afraid of nothing; it does not shy away from the sword.  Job 39:19, 22
 
When i saw that God was the source of that horse’s strength, i knew that He was also the source of mine.  Indeed, the Hebrew word for strength, geburah, literally means strength, power and valor!  i didn’t know that when i first heard those words, but God showed me it a couple months later, to confirm that the visions i’d gotten were really from Him and that i was hearing clearly from Him about how He was moving to restore my heart.  And when i was tempted to doubt Him about that, He led a couple friends of mine to speak that same verse from Job over me, two years later.
 
All that time i thought i was waiting for Jesus to show me how to ride.  But then Holy Spirit reminded me of something Jesus had said to His disciples on His last night: that He Himself was the way!  Jesus is true geburah, the very strength and power and valor of God, in the Spirit and in the flesh!  He also reminded me of something i’d written the first time i saw Jesus on a horse.
 
He is a victorious warrior, towering above all others, fierce and valiant and strong.  His stature is imposing, His face radiant, and His hair caressed by the breath of God.  Cloaked in a glistening robe and a scarlet sash, He wages war without armor, wielding only a gleaming sword.
 
That’s an amazing picture of Jesus, the rider called Faithful and True!  As i’ve learned to not only see Him that way, but to sup with Him in the presence of the enemy, His heart as a warrior has been stirred in me.  In Him i also have geburah, and can ride in the strength and power and valor of God!
 
Yet as soon as i allowed myself to admit that that was how Jesus wanted to live in me, i was really intimidated.  How could i ever live up to such lofty expectations?
 
When God saw doubt creeping back into me, this time posing as humility, He made it clear to me that walking in strength, power and valor wasn’t anything i could do, but only something Christ’s Spirit could do in me.  He’d begun working that way even before i’d gotten any visions, the day my ministry began to unravel.  When my work became a cross, Jesus began leading me to die to myself and live more fully in Him.  Yet it was hard for me to grasp how lying with Him beside a stream was preparing me for battle.
 
It took several years for me to accept that stillness in the main way i’ve grown closer to God.  Too often in quiet times i’ve thought and acted like He was somewhere else - like i was trying to connect with someone who was far away, as if He wasn’t in the room and wasn’t living in me, His heart beating in mine.  Yet Jesus Himself is my heart, and i have no other heart than His!
 
God finally brought me to a place where i fully acknowledged my doubt and began to repent from my disengagement.  Then He reminded me of that part of my vision where i’d dismounted my horse and chose to draw nearer to Jesus, rather than chasing after that shining city on a hill.
 
So, four years after i got the original vision, i finally asked Jesus, "what’s the shining city?"
 
"Religious success," i heard.
 
A barrage of images flooded my mind and heart.  i thought of churches fixated on miracles that seek to capture attention and stir emotions through heart-pounding music.  And i thought of the ministry i used to lead that consumed all my time, energy and attention.  Praise God that it failed, or i failed, and He called me out of it, for it's been richly rewarding to grow closer to Jesus, even if my intimacy with Him has arisen in fits and starts.
 
Yet it took a long time for me to truly receive what God was trying to show me:  that Jesus Himself is my ministry, my life, my passion and my call.  He's not a means to an end; He’s everything, and i’m so glad that His Spirit brought me to a place where i’m not only believing in Him, but seeing Him, walking with Him and smearing Him on others, through His Spirit in me!
 
And what about that horse?  Though i’d received it as a gift from Jesus, i had to dismount it and lay by the stream with Him before i even began to grasp what to do with it.  In other words, i had to get off my high horse and surrender my attachment to heavenly strength, power and valor before i could learn to walk in it or ride it.
 
That begs the question: am i a rider, or a horse?  For many years i pursued God, and He pursued me, before i acknowledged that to move in kingdom strength, power and valor i must become the horse.  i will never gain mastery over those things; i will become those things, as Jesus gains His mastery over me!
 
As for that shining city, it surely would have become my religious ambition, had i chased after it as i once longed to do.  But by God’s grace i heeded His call and laid with Jesus by the stream.  In stillness He healed my broken heart and untangled my twisted thinking, so i no longer see others as a religious project, but through the eyes of Jesus, as the light of the world!
 
Light reflects Who Jesus is and how He lives in each of us, as we learn to tap into His incredible strength and power and valor.  It’s a huge miracle, but a slow-moving one, unfolding as we lay with Him by the stream.