​My friend Josh is an amazing drummer; when he’s worshipping on his drum set or even on his cajón, all of heaven seems to dance to his beat.  But recently God led him into a new gig and exchange his drums for a guitar.  That seems to makes no sense, because he doesn’t have a lot of experience with a guitar and he’s not very accomplished playing it.  It does allow him to lead vocals, but his voice isn’t very developed either, and he tends to sing a tad flat.
 
Well, maybe he didn’t hear God correctly, you might think.  But Josh has no doubt that God wants him to lead this particular gig with a guitar.  He knows a dozen or so talented musicians who could have done a great job leading worship - which would have enabled him to drum - but they all declined to get involved.  When the young woman who was probably the most qualified - a really passionate vocalist and guitarist - told him that she really wanted to do it but God flat-out told her to say no, Josh realized that God had truly taken charge.  And the way God wanted to be worshipped had a lot more to do with Josh’s obedience than his giftedness.
 
That should give recovering charismatics like me great pause, because we tend to see God in a person’s gifts, more than their shortcomings.  But it doesn’t seem to be phasing Josh.  Even though he feels pretty awkward in his new role, he knows it’s where God wants him to be, so he’s pumped!  Which maybe goes to show that his core gift isn’t percussion but Christ.  Jesus is the gift that trumps every other gift.1  Only Jesus makes Himself nothing to show the world He’s everything.2  And He longs to live that way in us!
 
“When you’re week, you’re strong,” God says,3 but how many of us really believe that?  And even if we know it’s true, will we let Jesus live in us that way?  Or do we squirm and plead with Him to “Get me out of here!?”
 
i did my share of squirming and pleading for the eight years God called me into youth outreach.  i was twice the age of most other leaders and three times the age of the kids, which made most of the things we did with kids feel super awkward to me.  You might think, “Well that sounds really cool that you would have a heart do that,” but not everyone felt that way.  Some of those who oversaw the ministry i was leading tried to get me fired, while others tried to replace me with others half my age.
 
Although i’m really gifted managing money, that same ministry constantly struggled to pay its bills.  When i got paid, it was usually minimum wage, which was around five bucks an hour.  But lots of the time there wasn’t enough money to pay me even that.  This was in a wealthy town that now routinely raises a healthy six figures to support the same ministry.  i’m not complaining; God took good care of me throughout that season and my family never suffered.  But all my trials might make a saner person wonder, “Did God really call you to do this?”  Except that i knew that He had, and i knew where that question came from.  It’s the same question the serpent asked Eve! 4
 
So if you find yourself battling wind and waves as your dreams hit the rocks, you might want to look toward the one still sleeping in your boat.  If there’s even a faint smile on his lips, take it as a compliment - and a very promising sign that you aren’t as far adrift as you might seem.  Jesus likes a good storm, and He loves it when we praise Him in the midst of it.  Especially if we’re singing a tad off key.
 
1 James 1:17
2 Philippians 2:5-11
3 2 Corinthians 12:10
4 Genesis 3:1

​i was blessed to spend much of the past week with a buddy of mine who currently has no place to lay his head.  You could call him homeless, because he is, but that term conjures up all sorts of images that don’t necessarily apply to him.  In any event, he had a couple of bum knees.  The medical establishment said he needed knee replacement, but my buddy knew the Great Physician and He had other plans.
 
After my buddy had hobbled around for a long time and toyed with the idea of letting surgeons cut on him, as they had successfully done a few years earlier to bring healing to his wrist, he had a supernatural encounter with God during a worship service (which, on the surface at least, had nothing to do with healing) and God healed his knee!  He knew God was at work when his knee started to burn and he was led to shift his focus from his healing to his healer.  In that moment his heart overflowed with praise and gratitude because God is good, kind and sovereign over everything that happens to us, and in every moment God is always working to give us His best!
 
By the end of that service, the pain was largely gone, as was most of the swelling.  He was pretty sure God had given him a new knee, so he decided to check it out by playing several rounds of volleyball in the sand.  My buddy is in his sixties, so whether that was foolish or faith i cannot say - perhaps a generous amount of both - but his knee held up; the strength and stability that had evaded him for years had returned, and he tearfully pronounced himself healed in the name of Jesus!
 
He found it necessary to keep declaring that over and over during the coming weeks and months, through periods when some of the pain and swelling returned, although never to the extent he’d routinely endured before his miraculous healing.  At those times when his knee was talking to him again, another voice also arose, claiming that he hadn’t really been healed.  His healing was a fraud, just a figment of his imagination, that other voice said.  But he refused to listen to it because he knew what it was - it was the voice of doubt - and he knew where it had come from - it was from the pit of Hell - and so he thanked God for his healing even while he was limping and sure enough, the healing stuck, the pain and swelling subsided again, and his faith continued to grow in fits and starts.
 
My buddy needed all that faith because his other knee started to talk to him.  The knee he’d called his “good knee” soon became his “bad knee,” and all the symptoms he’d previously experienced seemed to return on the other side of his body.  That could have discouraged him, and at times it did, but the healing he’d already gotten, through which his formerly “bad knee” had become his “good knee,” helped remind him that Jesus is someone he could depend upon.  He had healed him before, and He could heal him again.  So every time his new “bad knee” wobbled, he prayed for healing and believed that he’d been healed, even when his knee was screaming at him that nothing had changed and it hurt really bad.
 
Part of him hoped for another miraculous healing like he’d gotten during that worship service, which seemed particularly fantastic because nobody had even prayed for his healing that day.  He had been asking God to heal him for what seemed a really long time, and that proved enough.  But another part of him sensed that God wasn’t going to work that same way again this time.  i got that same sense, almost every time i prayed with him on the phone.
 
So last week when we finally got together in person, for the first time in almost a year, i laid hands on his knee and invited Jesus’s Spirit to invade his joint.  After all, Jesus isn’t just his healer but his healing, and His presence brings healing to our minds, our souls and our bodies.  And He is also our faith - the very substance of everything we are hoping for and the evidence of what we cannot yet see, as it says in the Book of Hebrews.  He loves to work from the inside out, first strengthening our spirit-man or -woman to believe for healing and then working through our renewed faith to heal not only our hearts but our bodies.
 
While we were praying the other day, my buddy said that he sensed the anointing for healing, and he received it as a very good sign.  He believed that his knee was being healed, even though he didn’t feel heat the way he had when Jesus had healed his other knee.  He continued to believe he was healed over the next few days, during times when the pain was present and at other times when the pain subsided or disappeared.  He refused to let his flesh tell him whether he was healed.  God’s word says that by Jesus’s own wounds we are healed, and that was enough for him.
 
By the time we said goodbye, we were both fairly optimistic that the worst was now behind him.  He was walking without a limp, at least when he wasn’t carrying much of a load.  And the next morning he texted me, saying that he had carried a couple of really heavy packs for about a mile and a half without any pain whatsoever.  About ninety percent of the swelling was gone and his eyes were full of tears because he was absolutely certain he’d been healed!  Praise God!!
 
His healing is really encouraging me today because i’ve had a bum shoulder for nine years.  My other one used to be worse, but God healed it.  i had been trying to ignore the pain, figuring it would eventually heal on its own, but then i realized i hadn’t been praying, so for the last year or so i’ve been asking God to heal it.  At one point i was planning to go see a doctor and maybe get an injection.  Years ago i did that and it worked; the steroid they gave me knocked down the pain and inflammation long enough for my body’s natural healing mechanisms to kick in and my shoulder got better.  But this time when i prayed, God said no; He wasn’t working that way.  He was giving me the healing i’d asked for without medical intervention; i just needed to believe Him and trust Him, even when there’s no evidence that anything has happened.
 
So that’s what i’m now doing, and i’m really grateful that God has brought me to the place where i can depend upon Him for something like that.  A little more faith is really the only injection i need.  And even in that, i have more than enough, because faith is His gift to me, and what He gives is always enough.  His gift is Jesus, and Jesus is always enough!

​I am the light of the world. Whoever follows Me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.  John 8:12
 
In the middle of the night i looked out my cabin window and saw six to ten inches of fresh snow.  There was no moisture in the forecast, so i reckoned it a miracle and crawled back into bed.  A couple hours later i got up again and saw the same thing, while noting that there didn’t seem to be any snow under the trees.  Again i fell asleep, and when i awoke a third and final time i heard my roomie taking his dog out for a walk.  Imagining them romping through the snow, i peered out the window into the dawn’s first light and discovered that all those freshies had vanished.
 
“How could it have melted so fast?” i wondered.
 
Surely it couldn’t have, i concluded.  Suddenly i realized that all that white i’d seen was nothing more than dry sand and dead grass reflecting the full moon’s bright light.  That could have disappointed me but it didn’t, because i knew it was a sign; God was helping me exchange my confusion for revelation.  When i asked Him what was on His heart about that, He reminded me how i’d prayed during the night, when i’d asked Him to awaken Christ’s Spirit in me.
 
Holy Spirit tends to rise and lower like the tides, i’ve found, and this morning the tide was out.  Because His presence had ebbed, my prayers felt like they were landing with a thud, and every beachhead i was claiming for the kingdom felt like it consisted of nothing but sand.  That too might have discouraged me, but it didn’t, because those were only feelings.  Sometimes His Spirit flows and mountains move, God said, and sometimes He’s still and nothing moves.  He is in it all, He reassured me, and He wants me to savor His stillness even more than His stirring.
 
While i was pondering that this morning, God reminded me that we walk by faith not sight.1  Walking through dark valleys is part of our journey, for that’s how He builds our faith.2  In moments when i cannot discern how He is moving He calls me to believe that He is working things out for the best and to trust that He is faithful.3  If i consider darkness as inherently evil, i will give the enemy more credit than he’s due and he may use it against me.  But if i receive darkness as a prelude to sunrise, then surely Christ is risen in me!  And when i see what’s unfolding through Jesus’s amazing eyes, then darkness becomes as light to me! 4
 
That’s why, when i peered into the darkness early this morning, i saw a huge field of white.  It was a vivid reminder that where ordinary eyes see barren soil, Jesus sees a field ripe for harvest.5  For He has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and ushered us into His kingdom of marvelous light! 6
 
1  2 Corinthians 5:7
2  Psalm 23:3-4
3  John 20:29, Romans 8:28
4  Psalm 139:12
5  John 4:35
6  Colossians 1:13, 1 Peter 2:9

Authorities lifted their roadblocks yesterday on one of the highways closest to where wildfire broke out four days ago, and our son Dave was finally able to get to the family farm.  He found that the only building on the property, a shed where he’d been brooding his chickens, was still intact!  The fire had burned virtually all the vegetation he hadn't irrigated this year.  But the part of the pasture where he'd been grazing his chickens was greener (due to the chicken poop acting as fertilizer and all of his diligent watering) and that part didn't burn.  The composting area and an area where he had been depositing his grey water were at the opposite corners of the shed from his chicken pasture, and the vegetation in those areas was also greener and more moist, so the shed was basically surrounded with a green shield of protection.
 
Firefighters had obviously broken through the gate and also cut barbed wire to access the property, which was on the front line of their defense of the entire neighborhood.  It was probably much easier and more strategic for them to defend the farm’s open space and the little shed surrounded by green than to defend the road between the farm and the houses, which was lined with trees and close to a lot of structures.  Because Dave’s car and his brother Brian’s RV were near the green pasture and the shed, they also got spared.
 
Later, a neighbor stopped by and filled in more of the story.  He and a friend had stayed behind after almost everyone else who lived in Washoe City had fled.  Within a few hours of the fire’s onset, the neighbor saw a fireball land in a clump of sagebrush on our farm and set it ablaze.  So they jumped the fence and used hand tools to extinguish the flames.  Without their prompt and heroic action, the fire would have quickly spread through the dry autumn grass and set the whole neighborhood on fire.
 
When our neighbor told a passing Sheriff’s deputy about what had just happened, the deputy radioed for more help from the fire department.  That relieved him, because his own pleas with the fire department had gone unheeded.  By the time more men and equipment arrived, the fire had jumped the freeway and most of the hundred acres of state land between Washoe Lake and Washoe City were burning.  But firefighters broke into our farm and were able to thwart the fire’s progress.  
 
Who knows how many other places around Washoe City were also blessed by the prompt response of first responders and the radical acts of kindness of the neighbor who stayed behind.  That same neighbor and his friend hand-dug trenches on other properties not their own, to stop flames from advancing from the fields into the subdivision.  That neighbor is new to the area and didn’t really know most of the people he was serving, just like our son Dave just started raising chickens on his brother Brian’s property last spring, and didn’t really know how his farming would help protect nearby homes from wildfire.
 
How amazing is that?  We’re thanking God today for how everything seems to be falling into place yet again to turn tragedy into triumph.  We need His faithfulness again today to prevent what authorities are calling a “particularly dangerous situation” from unraveling into a major calamity.  Experts say that the high winds forecasted to arrive later this morning could cause the wildfire to make a huge leap into environmentally sensitive and highly populated areas.  But we are believing that the God who crafted all that rugged beauty and made all those people to love Him and love like Him will surely keep that from happening.
 
Rains come, fire lay down and winds be stilled, in Jesus’s name!

​“Rains come, fire lay down and winds be still, in Jesus’s name.”
 
That’s how i ended up praying last night about a northern Nevada wildfire, which sent thousands fleeing and a bevy of aircraft scurrying with water and fire retardant.  Dark billows of smoke from the fire captured our attention within minutes after it ignited, because it was just a mile upwind from the Red Stable Ranch, where our son David had been raising chickens.  Praise God, he’d harvested his last chicken ten days earlier and was nowhere near the blaze when it erupted.  And praise God all the more that Washoe City, a dusty collection of a hundred or so ranchettes in the direct path of the fire, has so far been spared!
 
i say “so far,” because the battle is far from over.  Yesterday after the freeway through the area was reopened, David saw two-hundred-foot high flames lapping at the trees and brush covering the hillside above the town.  Although at least one plane was attacking that blaze, the rest of the area seemed curiously devoid of firefighters or equipment.  Most of them were working other flanks of the fire, we concluded, which are threatening several upper-scale subdivisions on the southern outskirts of Reno.  That seemed to leave Washoe City largely unprotected, and vulnerable to a slight shift in the heavy winds that could blast hot embers across the freeway and into the tinder-dry brush scattered among its homes. 
 
Indeed, shortly after the residents were evacuated, the fire surrounded the neighborhood on three sides.  Yet many folks had prayed, and firefighters had successfully fought off a major incursion into the area that destroyed a church, a commercial building and a couple of homes.  The fire headed in other directions, the little shed where David had been brooding his chickens wasn’t touched, and virtually all the other homes and outbuildings in Washoe City were spared.
 
When i first began to grasp the miracle that was unfolding, i thanked God for faithfully answering our prayers.  Then He led me to pray for the many other places which are still in harm’s way and also needed His intervention.  But i kept getting hung up over the direction of the winds.  If the wildfire was diverted away from Washoe City, which way would it go?  There were many homes in every direction, so “not in my backyard” didn’t seem to reflect God’s heart.   The fire needed to be squelched, not just avoided.  And i needed more faith to believe for that.
 
So God reminded me of a similar situation that had arisen four years ago, when the Creek Fire had been devouring the southern woods of Yosemite.  A friend and i had summoned rain and favorable winds to overcome the fire and smoke, like Elijah had done to overcome a famine and drought, and the change in weather had been almost immediate.  A light rain had arisen and that moisture, accompanied by a fresh breeze, had cleared the air.  The air quality index in one of the communities downwind of the fire had dropped from over 600 to 28.  The expected wind-whipped expansion of the fire failed to materialize, due to the moisture, which wasn’t in the forecast.  The way God had moved had boggled my mind, yet it had escaped the attention of most folks.  They weren’t looking for a miracle, so they missed it when it arrived.
 
A year later when the Caldor Fire was banging on the doorsteps of Tahoe, virtually everyone knew we needed a miracle, and God didn’t disappoint.  Strong winds whipped the main body of the fire into such an inferno that flames shot hundreds of feet into the sky.  Despite the valiant efforts of thousands of firefighters, dozens of aircraft and hundreds of pieces of equipment, nothing seemed able to stop it or even slow its rapid march toward Echo Summit, where it was destroying virtually everything in its path.
 
Some knowledgeable observers thought the geography of the summit might present a natural barrier to the fire’s progress, because on its east side is a granite cliff without much to burn.  But by the time it reached the cliff, the fire had gained so much momentum it was spewing baseball-sized embers two miles or more ahead of its front line.  So it simply jumped the cliff and ignited dozens of spot fires in the valley far below, and up the other side of the forest opposite the cliff.
 
In that valley were a hundred or more homes scattered among the trees, and a commercial corridor which serves as the southern gateway to Lake Tahoe.  So when the fire neared the top of the cliff, the entire City of South Lake Tahoe was evacuated.  It was a wise move, because the fire soon entered the southern limits of the city and tore up the forested hillsides near homes situated furthest from the lake.  But just as it began to look like much of the city’s commercial and residential area might be toast, the fierce winds that had caused the leading edge of the fire to act like an out-of-control blowtorch suddenly died.
 
Seizing that moment to stage a valiant defensive stand, firefighters managed to extinguish every single spot fire that had ignited near any home or business in the valley.  As a result, no homes were lost and only a few structures sustained minor damage.  The northern-most flank of the fire, which until then seemed poised to invade Heavenly Ski Resort and the Carson Valley, also lost steam and began to wither, as the winds remained calm for the better part of a week.  Though thick smoke continued to blanket much of the Reno-Tahoe region, it was spared a major natural disaster.
 
To me, it seemed like a miracle, and a direct answer to the prayers of hundreds of people who were no doubt pleading with God to have mercy on our region.  So for many days i praised God for His kindness, His faithfulness, and His sovereignty over a fire that had raged beyond human control.  Yet when the Tahoe Tribune triumphantly reported the good news the following week, its leading front-page story was headlined, “It was no miracle.”
 
That really upset me, but God told me to cool my jets.  He was perfectly content letting those who didn’t know any better think that He had played no part in rescuing the community.  But for some of us who had pleaded for Him to intervene, He was more than pleased to reveal His hand.
 
A couple weeks later when a buddy and i were talking about that fire, he told me about a rancher friend of his whose family had own property in that valley since 1857.  Sitting directly below Echo Summit, it was in the main path of the fire.  Although most of the ranch buildings were made of wood, when evacuation orders were issued his friend refused to leave.  And when glowing hot embers began pelleting his ranch, he stood in the barnyard and declared God’s protection.
 
As He sang It Is Well, declaring waves and wind still knew Jesus’s name, that rancher saw big red fireballs careening directly toward him be suddenly deflected, and land instead in the woods on the far side of the valley.  It was then that he knew for certain that God was faithfully at work, saving countless homes and lives.  Although hillsides on both sides of the ranch were torched, his ranch and all of its neighbors down in the valley were miraculously spared.
 
That story had greatly encouraged me back then, because at various times when i had been praying for Tahoe, God had also brought that same song to mind, and led me to declare that Jesus was Lord of the winds and sovereign over every aspect of that fire.  And so once again today that song, and another our church had sung on Sunday which says, “Rain came, winds blew, but my heart depends on You,” stirred me to pray for the current fire with renewed faith.
 
God doesn’t want us to content ourselves with a mere change in weather or the extinguishing of a fire, no matter how big such a miracle may prove to be.  God wants to set our heart aflame for Him!   He is faithful and kind, and so sovereign over everything that threatens us that He wants us to trust in His protection.  So i’m praying today that many hearts would be opened to believe that He is once again actively working in our midst, turning tragedy into blessing, as only He can do.
 
For if we believe, Jesus said that we would see the glory of God.

I have not hesitated to proclaim to you the whole will of God.  Acts 20:27
 
God’s will is Christ: to surrender to Him and take up our crosses and follow Him.1  Nothing less than that honors Jesus and the heavy price He paid to set us free.2  When Jesus is moving, those who are His respond to Him, surrender to Him and obey His voice.
 
Yet these days many teachers offer healing, deliverance or even salvation that falls short of receiving Christ.  “Believe this and you’ll be healed,” or “do this and you’ll be delivered,” or “pray this and you’ll be saved,” they say.  It may seem convincing because they may be quoting the Bible, and there may even be miracles to back up their claims.  They may be well meaning, and even operating in some measure of faith, but if what they offer doesn’t lead to surrender, it cannot last.
 
The only lasting miracle is Christ Himself, raised from the dead in us.  Lots of good things point toward Him, and many signs may come from God.  But signs and wonders don’t heal, our righteous acts don’t deliver, and even our best prayers cannot save.  Jesus is the only One Who saves, heals and delivers, and He insists that we come die with Him.  Those who let Him invade their lives and work His way into their hearts will be living testimonies to His enduring love.  Those who resist Him - maybe seek His blessing but repeatedly rebuff His beckoning into death and rebirth - will discover that what they thought they gained is short lived and devoid of life.
 
 
1  Matthew 16:24-25
2  Romans 12:1-2

​Karen and i own a cabin on a lake in the mountains.  It’s an incredible gift from God, that we could have never afforded if we hadn’t rented it out to others when we weren’t using it ourselves, to cover all the bills.  After the mortgage was paid off, however, God led us to shift gears.  Now we don’t charge people to use our cabin; we let them stay there for free.
 
For some of the families we know, it’s become the only way they can afford to take a vacation.  Everyone seems really grateful and most of them treat our place like it’s theirs, which is really cool.  But something strange happens when there’s no money involved.  People feel free to change their plans, and usually do. Virtually everyone who’s used our cabin this year has done that.  They come or leave on different dates than they expected, or don’t show up at all.  And some people end up coming and staying for days without any notice or plans.
 
That makes keeping the cabin available challenging, as you might imagine.  Unless we remind them, people don’t seem to grasp that if we’ve set our place aside for them and they don’t end up using it, they might be keeping it from others, whom we told it was booked.  That’s happened multiple times this summer, and seemed to be happening again this week.
 
The day before friends of ours were scheduled to begin their stay, they texted us to say they weren’t coming.  Part of me wasn’t surprised, because like i said, it happens often.  But another part of me was troubled, because i knew this particular family really needed some cabin time and because i had asked God when i was prepping the cabin for their arrival whether they were actually going to show up, and He said yes, they were coming.
 
So when i got their text saying they weren’t coming, i immediately thought that i had misunderstood God.  i asked Him to forgive me, for not hearing Him clearly, and i began praying for the family that God would bless them, however they chose to spend their time.  The next day i was able to talk with them about what was causing them to rethink their plans, and we prayed that God would work everything out.  Praise God that He did, and the family is now enjoying their Labor Day weekend in the mountains!
 
As for me, i began to wonder why i had so quickly doubted what God had said was going to happen.  As i prayed into that, i realized how incredibly challenging it is for me to know how to respond when things aren’t lining up with how i understand God is working.
 
On the one hand, i have to hold everything i think i know loosely, for the one who clings too tightly to that kind of knowing is destined to forsake God.  1 Corinthians 8:2  On the other hand, i need to put all my trust in God and fully rely upon His word - not just His written word as evangelicals like to do, but the specific word He is speaking into the moment, as charismatics like to do.
 
It’s truly a narrow road, and i can fall off one side or the other if i get too confident in what i think i’ve heard from God, or if i quickly abandon what i’ve heard simply because it doesn’t seem to be lining up with how things are turning out.  True humility perseveres in faith against all odds to pray like a child.  Yet it takes great maturity and surrender to distinguish between how God is actually speaking and moving from how i wish He might speak and move.
 
Only by abiding in Jesus can we remain steadfast and flexible at the same time.  As we fix our eyes on Him, He flexes His steely resolve through us.

God answered the final prayer in my last post (asking God to help me fully abide in Him) by calling me to fast today, but i wasn’t as grateful about it as i should have been.  That’s because i had been planning all summer to repaint some of my cabin’s exterior trim which had peeled and cracked, but on one of the days i’d set aside for that very purpose, God has now called me to wait upon Him instead.  Had it not rained a bit this morning i probably wouldn’t have even been open to hearing His heart about that, but during my walk with Him while it was raining the Father made Himself clear about how He wanted me to spend my day, and so i reluctantly complied.  It fits with something He seems to be saying to lots of folks lately, calling us to seek Him first and let everything else get behind that.
 
As for me, the next few days may be the only window i have this year to get that painting done, so i kept hoping that it might suffice to spend only this morning waiting on God and then i could knock out most of the project in the afternoon.  But when God continued to remain still throughout the middle of my day, and i with Him, i started to feel frustrated about how i was using my time.  It seemed foolish to be spending a perfectly good day doing nothing.  Yet what looks foolish to the world is wise to God.  So i picked up my Bible and was quickly convicted by some of the things that Jesus had said.
 
Very truly I tell you, the Son can do nothing by Himself; He can do only what He sees His Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does.  John 5:19
 
Jesus is so devoted to the Father that when the Father is still, Jesus is still.  Yet here i was, yearning to get busy, so i confessed my hardened heart and prayed, “Not my will, but Yours.”
 
i haven’t been devoting myself to the Father the way Jesus does, i admitted; my obedience has been shallow and rooted in mere duty.  So i thanked the Father for calling me to account, and told Him that i felt His love in that.  It’s better by far that i wait upon Him than spruce up my cabin, for the former overflows with eternal fruit even when it doesn’t feel like it, while the latter is empty.
 
The great irony is that during our walk i had seen an amazing rainbow and it had reminded me that God turns all things to good, even my sin, as i fully devote myself to Him.  “When i respond to my trials with the devotion of Christ, blessing is sure to follow,” i wrote in my e-Bible upon my return.  It was such a profound insight that i wanted to blog about it - marveling that there’s no way to really lose because Christ is such a great redeemer - but apparently i wasn’t yet ready to write about it; the Father insisted i forego blogging and simply devote myself to Him.  But that proved easier said than done.  My i-Pad had to blow up before He was able to get my undivided attention.
 
But eventually God did get His way with me, and after several hours of merely waiting on Him, my heart finally softened a bit and i began to treasure His discipline.  Then He allowed me to complete one small repair project before He extended my fast for another day and gave me a green light to journal about repenting.  The blog about turning evil to good, however, remains on hold.
 
Those who think they know something do not yet know as they ought to know.  But whoever loves God is known by God.  1 Corinthians 8:2-3
 
And so, as the sun literally sets upon this latest trial of mine, i begin my ascent into the sabbath.
 
My heart is not proud, Lord, my eyes are not haughty; I do not concern myself with great matters or things too wonderful for me.  But I have calmed and quieted myself, I am like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child I am content.  Israel, put your hope in the Lord and wait upon Him, now and forevermore.  Psalm 131 paraphrase

Jesus is my sabbath.

​Lately i’ve been tossing and turning a lot while i sleep, and last night was no exception.  First i had a sexual dream which was so crafty, so vivid yet subtle, that it took me awhile to shake it off after i woke up.  So i asked God to help me ward off that kind of attack while i’m sleeping, just like twenty years ago, when He first taught me how to ward off sexual attacks while i’m awake.  But this time when i dozed off again, i didn’t sleep soundly because i was trying to discern spirits and sleep at the same time.
 
As far as i know, i didn’t have any more sexual dreams, but i ended up having a worldly dream.  i’ve been having a lot of those lately.  Although they’re rooted in striving and definitely not from God, they stem from a long season of my life when i was responsible for a lot of people and money and so they kind of creep in under my radar while i’m snoozing.  Last night’s version was again so subtle and crafty that it took awhile for me to recognize what was going on - that it was only a dream - and shake it off after i woke up.  This morning i realized that my way forward out of these attacks, whatever form they take, is way simpler than i had envisioned: i just need to abide in Jesus as fully while i’m asleep as i do when i’m awake!  Or even more so, because whenever i’m not overflowing with Christ’s Spirit the enemy seizes my slumber as a chance to smear me with filth.
 
Of course, God is still sovereign over everything that happens to me.  He has actually reassured me that He is using these attacks to build my faith while i’m sleeping and develop my ability to rest in Christ amid trials.  He has led me into this dark valley for His name’s sake, and He wants to be my comfort even when the rod He’s using to guide me is a demon.  Here’s how He explained it to me, many years ago:
 
“I’m taking the gloves off,” God says, preparing me like a football coach does his team, beating them down to toughen them up.  Although i've been delivered from impure spirits like striving, i'm still vulnerable to them.  i mustn’t fear, for i have new freedom, strength and power, but i mustn’t be naive; i'm like a finely-tuned machine that breaks down if grime invades my inner workings.
 
God has removed my fleshly, worldly and religious defenses, including old-covenant rule- and habit-based protections against evil, replacing them with the new-covenant protection of His love.  Although His love is superior in every respect, it doesn’t operate the old way, through striving; it works by His Spirit.  i must live by love not rules, totally in the new covenant Who is Jesus, to remain healthy and strong.  
 
Angels guard me as i abide in love, keeping evil in check and clearing my path, but i’m vulnerable if i fail to fully abide 24/7.  Satan may prod me, searching for any realm of my life not completely surrendered to God, but as i make God my one and only refuge, evil won’t prevail.  God is completely sovereign over everything that happens to me; nothing happens He doesn't permit, and every hard thing – illness, injury, nightmare, attack, sin, evil - God will turn to blessing, redeeming it for my victory and His glory. The battle is His and He aims to win one hundred percent of the time.  10/20/15
 
It’s very reassuring to me that these words God spoke into me nine years ago still precisely describe what i’m enduring today.  Yet i wonder if i shouldn’t have moved beyond all these attacks by now.
 
Thank You, Father, for being such a great father and for taking such good care of me.  Thank You, Holy Spirit, for reminding me of what You first shared with me years ago.  Thank You, Jesus, that You are my refuge and my way forward, every day.  Please help me fully and continuously abide in You.