Once or twice a month i get to spend the best part of my Saturday night in a jail., and last night was super fun.

It started when Kenneth, a handsomely dark-skinned man with a broad smile and easygoing manner, wheeled himself through the door.  He’d been shot in the foot, he said; it was pretty messed up and he needed surgery.

He had one of those casts that come in two pieces and was strapped around his leg.  But after we prayed he no longer needed any medical aids, so he threw his cast into the wheelchair and stood up to check out his new foot.

”Feels good!” he grinned.

”Who healed you?” i asked.

”Jesus!” He smirked, that engaging smile suddenly filling his face.

Several of the others were amazed.

”Now I believe!” one of them said.  So i prayed with him and another guy, who both said they wanted to receive Christ.

“i almost cried,” the other guy admitted sheepishly, after we finished.

”That’s OK,” i assured him.  “Now that i believe, i often get tears, and sometimes i don’t even know why.”

But this time i did.  This time by the time we said goodbye, all nine of them had become my brothers.
​

​i recently attended a celebration of life for a friend’s dad, who passed away in May.  Throughout most of his working life he’d been a cop, and that influenced how he had parented his kids.  But as he grew older his heart softened, and as his faith in Jesus grew he found himself with his own crosses to bear.
 
His wife and mother of their four kids grew blind in her old age, and that took quite a toll on him as he struggled to take care of her.  He ended up having a stroke, and he became incapacitated as well.  If you don’t have a savior to rely upon, things like that can make your last season a living hell.  But Jesus used the very things that eventually took them out to stir up His life as the Christ in them, and so their last season was in many ways the sweetest.
 
i got quite a few chances to hang with my friend’s dad during his last years, and i was continually amazed at how a man so severely debilitated could still overflow with so much peace and joy and love.  But one time while we were talking about kids, tears welled up in his eyes and he began to weep.  We put so much emphasis on stuffing kids with head knowledge that we end up neglecting their souls, he said.  His heart reminded me of our shepherd’s, when He implored Peter to feed His sheep.
 
i was hoping to share that story during the celebration of life, but it didn’t happen.  But after the service another buddy sat down next to me, who’d worked with youth in sports and church while working a job in health care to support his family.  i realized that God wanted me to share with him what i’d gleaned from our mutual friend’s dad.  
 
So we talked about the hard things that had happened to our friend’s dad - how his trials had pierced his heart - yet how deeply that had blessed many of us who’d seen Christ in him.  In his later years, whenever he opened his mouth we could hear and even feel the heart of the Father and the devotion of the Son.  And now i saw a similar gift in my buddy.
 
“i will never forget the times you led communion at church,” i said to him, “because i felt so strongly the presence of the Lord.  It wasn’t so much the words you spoke or the thoughts you shared, but your reverence for God and your devotion to Christ.  It’s an extraordinary gift, to draw people closer to God not by anything you do but by the presence of Jesus in you, and God intends to continue to use you that way, to reveal His heart to others, just as He so powerfully used our elder.”
 
“His heart was broken for kids,” i continued, “because the adults in their lives were so intent on teaching them things that they neglected to feed them.  For even those of us who claim to know God tend to fill our kids’ heads with information, all the while their hearts are aching for love.  But he had prayed for them about that - not only his own kids and grandkids, but for many others - and i believe that you, buddy, are an answer to his prayers.  Jesus is calling you to feed His sheep, as He called Peter to do in the closing verses of the Book of John.”
 
i told my buddy that i had no idea how God might use him - whether God might call him back into working with youth, or whether the sheep God wanted him to feed are now a lot older - maybe his age or mine.  But i was really encouraged by the stories we’d just heard about our friend’s dad, because they showed that God doesn’t have to give a man a particular job or ministry to use him mightily to build His kingdom.
 
My buddy was deeply moved by what i shared, saying that it really spoke into the question he’s been pondering about what’s next for him and his wife, now that their youngest will be a senior in high school and they’ll soon become empty-nesters.  As for me, i’m deeply grateful that God led me to share His heart with my buddy, and that He had given both of us such a fine example of love in action through the life of our friend’s dad!
 
That example continued to burn in my heart after i returned home to a house full of my own grandkids last night.  Before i fell asleep i confessed to God that i wasn’t doing a very good job of nurturing Christ’s life in them, even though our friend’s dad and i had prayed similarly - that as for me and mine, we would serve the Lord.  So i asked God to help Karen and i not just read Bible stories to our grandkids, but to love them well and teach them to love each other well, by depending upon Jesus’s love for us.
 
The next morning, after three of our grandkids had rolled around on the bed with us for awhile and we’d tickled them and giggled with them to their hearts’ content, they all disappeared for a moment.  Karen soon disappeared as well, and when she returned she was carrying some of the Bible story books we like to read to our grandkids.
 
“i don’t think that’s going to work today,” i said as i pondered the mood of our kids.  Sure enough, when our youngest returned he shunned Karen’s offer for story time.  But an hour later, after the last of his siblings woke up and they’d all had their fill of breakfast, all four of them got in a protracted battle over the toy slime the youngest had recently gotten at the Discovery Center.  As soon as he noticed it was missing, they all started pointing fingers about who had played with it last.  Eventually they found it near the couch, but it had been left out of its container all night and had become so dry it was no longer any fun.  So the finger-pointing ratcheted up about who had been so careless.
 
It was ugly and heartwarming at the same time, because they all agreed that their youngest sibling needed a new batch of slime and that he shouldn’t have to pay for it all by himself.  They agreed that the cost of a batch of slime was five dollars, but they couldn’t agree about who should pay to replace it.  Some of them had no money and some had lots, which only deepened their division.  Their dad and i sat there through the whole debate, saying nothing while we watched them wrestle with how to make things right.  But the more they talked the more helpless they felt and the more frustrated they became, so i finally was moved to break the stalemate.
 
“i will pay the five bucks,” i said, tossing an Abe Lincoln down on the table in front of them, “because it reminds me of what Jesus did for us.  We were all stuck in our slime, with no way out; we were all wrestling mightily with our sin which we couldn’t fix, so Jesus stepped in and paid the price for us on the cross.  i’m so grateful for Jesus, and i don’t want you to feel guilty because i’m paying to make things right.  i just want you to thank Jesus, for what He has done for us.”
 
They all sat there dumbfounded by what had just happened.  i’m not sure if any of them fully understood the point i was trying to make, but they all seemed relieved that there was a solution, and the youngest was overjoyed when i promised to stop by the Discovery Center that day and buy him a new batch of slime.
 
It’s obvious to me that God had orchestrated it all to smear a bit more Jesus into our grandkids, and maybe into their parents and us as well.  Even if they don’t fully grasp my explanation, i’m hoping they have a new appreciation for how Jesus can show up in the midst of their messes and make things right.

​Last night i submitted a withdrawal request to one of the banks that administer our retirement funds.  This morning i got a message from that bank, saying they couldn’t open the form i’d sent them.  i felt God was in it - perhaps something was deficient in how i’d filled out the form and i needed to re-do it.  But it looked OK, so all i changed was my signature and the date.  But just before i pushed the send button, i decided to verify the amount with Karen, who knows much better than i do how much money we need to pay our monthly bills.  The amount she mentioned was twice what i had submitted, so then i knew why my first attempt had failed.
 
“I have your back,” i hear God say to me in the moment.
 
How amazing is that?!  It so confirms something i’d been pondering recently, that we don’t really know how many problems God prevents, because what doesn’t happen is usually hidden from sight.  Except this one wasn’t; this time i could plainly see how deeply God is involved in everyday matters and how actively He is at work, keeping our missteps from turning into stumbles.  It astonishes me, how He Who is the source of all things so humbly and diligently attends to so many details, working all things out to the good, just because He loves us!  How unworthy i am to even know such a God, let alone be served by Him!  What devotion He stirs in me!
 
Jesus, we love You!  Help us love You, even as we are loved!  You deserve it; you deserve our undivided attention.  May we as faithfully attend to Your business as You attend to ours.  Amen.

​All authority on heaven and earth has been given to Me.  Matthew 28:18b
 
Jesus used His authority to crush the head of the serpent.  The serpent’s power is fear, and when Jesus died on the cross, He drove fear into the grave.  When Jesus rose from the dead, He empowered everyone who trusts in Him to rise above fear’s fruit, which is shame and guilt.  And so He prepared us to walk in His authority, forgiving as He forgives.
 
Jesus’s authority is love.  It’s the most powerful force in the universe, and nothing can stand against it.  When we take up our crosses and love the way Jesus loves, every enemy of God is defeated.  For the merciful love of Christ disarms every wicked thing; by the blood of the Lamb all evil is destroyed!
 
The enemy’s power is fear, while Christ’s power is love.  When we fix our eyes on Jesus, our hearts are filled with His and His perfect love drives out fear.

Yesterday while i was tending to some business at a customer service counter, i briefly had an improper thought or two toward a young lady who was serving me.  i quickly repented and asked God to forgive me, and He did.  With His help i regained my focus on Jesus and let Him guide my thoughts, actions and prayers the rest of the day.
 
i was really tired when i got home, and i fell fast asleep as soon as i hit the bed.  Later in the night i had a series of anxiety-ridden dreams, a sign that the enemy was at work.  So i groggily surrendered it all to God and asked Him to show me if i’d left a door open to attack.
 
Later in the night when i was more awake, i was reminded of my sleazy thinking and i repented more adequately.  Then God showed me that those thoughts weren’t really mine; they’d come from a sexually perverse spirit.  That ringed true, because the minute they came to mind i felt disgusted.  i didn’t relish them; i felt defiled by them.  Yet because i’d entertained them i confessed them as sin, since i thought they had originated with me.
 
When i was younger i had lots of similar thoughts, and eagerly indulged them with pornography.  Because i didn’t know Jesus, i was really confused about who i was as a man and who i was as God’s son.  But after i invited Jesus into my heart, i began looking at myself and others through His merciful eyes.  That strengthened me to turn from twisted ways, destroy all the porn and ask our Father to change my heart.  He did, but it wasn’t quick or easy.  Before i found freedom i was assaulted for several months with rapid-fire graphic images.  But God redeemed it by teaching me how to recognize perverse spirits and ward them off before they attacked.
 
Although i won that round, what i’m now realizing, decades later, is that the enemy didn’t give up; he just changed tactics.  When i dead-bolted the front door, he found a back door that was still ajar.  Now he lurks in the shadows, looking for any chance to plant a subtly suggestive thought in my mind, especially when i’m too distracted to notice where it’s coming from.  He has been remarkably effective at getting me to own his thoughts, even though i abhor them.
 
But now God is helping me wise up to what’s really going on.  Although my natural man is still weak, it doesn’t have to be my downfall.  For our battle isn’t really against our flesh, but against dark forces in spiritual realms that oppose the ways of God.  i am pure because i’m covered by Christ’s blood, i am strong because i’m filled with His Spirit and i don’t have to succumb to the enemy or be fooled by his wicked schemes!
 
God has called me to vigilance, but it isn’t what it might seem.  i can unwittingly offer the enemy a foothold if i deny that he’s at work, or if i pay him too much attention.  In godly vigilance i focus on Jesus and take my cues from Him.  That doesn’t necessarily keep the enemy at bay - abiding in Jesus might actually provoke the enemy’s ire - but it prepares me to get behind Jesus and let Him infuse every thought, prayer and action with His powerfully tender heart.
 
I am sending you out like sheep among wolves.  Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.  Matthew 10:16

Back in 2010 i started to hear ringing in my ears.  First it was very subtle and i only noticed it if it was really quiet around me and i paid attention to it.  But gradually it became louder and more pronounced.  My doctor called it tinnitus, and said it often happens to people as they age, who were exposed to loud noises in their youth.  She said there was a small chance i might see some improvement if i severely restricted salt in my diet for two months or longer, but there was nothing that’s been proven effective to treat it.  She suggested i learn to live with it.
 
Not long after that i was on the road, and one night i took a soak in the jacuzzi at my motel.  i met a young man there who’d been visiting his mother and was now on his way home.  When he mentioned that his mom had three kinds of cancer, i asked him whether she had faith.  He said she did, but the way he said it helped me see that he was struggling in that area.  So i asked him if he had faith.  He said that when he was fifteen, he’d attended a church youth group while wearing a Marilyn Mason t-shirt.  He also had body piercings, and an older woman took one look at him and accused him of being evil.  He was so offended by her judgment that he left the church and never returned.
 
Although he claimed to be an atheist, when he talked about how he had been wrongly judged i could see that he believed in what Jesus taught, so i suggested that he really believed in Jesus.  i told him how a friend and i had taken some young men to a popular church near our motel a year ago, and we’d been judged for not taking our hats off during the service.  i told him that he shouldn’t let some old lady take Jesus captive.  Maybe he believed in Jesus more than she did.
 
As he was getting out of the jacuzzi, i considered praying with him for his mom’s healing.  i’d seen quite a few people healed through prayer, but it always seemed to involve laying hands on them.  Since i couldn’t lay hands on his mom, i doubted if i could help her.  If i tried to pray anyway and my prayer didn’t get answered, my attempt to help them both would backfire and the young man would be driven even farther away from God.
 
All those thoughts raced through my mind in a split second, and then before i realized what was happening, that young man was gone.  i was quickly convicted that i’d been doubting, and i wanted a second chance to help him and his mom, so i prayed that he would return, but he didn’t.
 
Twelve hours later, i met a woman who routinely prays for people remotely.  That didn’t seem like a coincidence, so i asked her about her experience.  She said she was part of a team of volunteers that staff a prayer hotline, and they often give people an e-mail address so they can let them know what’s up after they pray.  They often find that people do indeed get healed.
 
i told her about my previous evening in the jacuzzi with that young man, confessing that my faith was faltering and i needed the faith of the Centurion.  She smiled in a forgiving way and said that even those who often pray remotely sometime struggle with that.  She said it used to concern her what might happen to people’s faith if she prayed and nothing happened, but then God told her that He was big enough to take care of His own reputation.  That was quite a revelation to me!
 
She went on to tell me various stories about healing.  She’d been in Mozambique when many people were very sick.  They were praying for people like they always had, but this time there were no miracles.  They prayed more fervently, but still there was no healing.  They began to seek God, asking if there was something that was grieving His Spirit.  Eventually God asked her a question:  would she continue to pray, even if there were no healings?  He was challenging her to not focus on results.  He wants us to pray for specific results, but He doesn’t want us to focus on results.  He wants us to pay attention to what we can do, and let Him pay attention to what only He can do.
 
Then she told me more stories about different, unconventional ways that God had called her to pray.  Sometimes He calls her to only touch someone – to abide in Him but to say or think nothing.  She has seen healings that way.  One time, He told her to pray via text.  She was talking to a woman over a cell phone who was standing beside another woman in a coma.  Whenever she texted her prayers, the life support monitor hooked up to the woman in the coma would respond.  That was amazing!
 
i wanted to hear more stories, but our time together was short, so i asked her to pray for my tinnitus.  She did, and there seemed to be some improvement.  After she prayed some more, the ringing in my ears faded.  That was huge, because up until then the ringing had been so strong that i heard it constantly, no matter how loud the sounds were around me.  So i excused myself to visit the restroom, where it was quiet and i could see if the ringing was totally gone.
 
When i returned, i told her that there was still a soft ringing, but it seemed like an echo, kind of like you might get when you have a sore leg.  After you get healed, you can still end up limping because there’s memory in the muscles.  Maybe it was like that with the ringing in my ears; maybe my ears or my nerves or my brain are still remembering the ringing.  So i asked her to pray for that, and she did.
 
While we were getting ready to say goodbye, she offered to give me her gift of healing.  i thought that was a great idea, so i sat there while she laid hands on me.  She stood behind me like she had before, but this time she laid hands on my shoulders instead of my ears.  She still didn’t say anything, but i could tell she was imparting her gift to me.
 
Then she asked me to give her “whatever gift i have.”  i readily agreed, although in that moment i was so humbled by our conversation that i didn’t think i had anything to offer her.  When she extended her hands i held them in mine, palms upward.  i looked at her hands and began to pray for them, declaring that they weren’t only for healing but for loving.  As she touched others and held others, they would experience the Father’s embrace.  When we finished praying, she smiled and said that my prayer was an answer to her prayers!  She’d been seeking the very thing that i had just prayed for, and my prayer confirmed that her prayers had been heard.  How good i felt, that God had used me to affirm her in that way!  i marveled that i had heard God clearly, even when i had no sense that i was operating in the supernatural.
 
Over the next several days, the tinnitus in my ears subsided.  At times there was no ringing at all.  Other times, the ringing was there.  Even when i could hear it, i believed God was healing me, and i believed that i’d already been healed, even if i wasn’t fully experiencing it yet.  Ringing or no ringing, i praised God and promised Him that i would continue to praise Him, for the healing and for being the marvelous Father that He is.
 
The next morning, i awoke to very pronounced ringing, the same as i had before i’d met the prayer lady.  i wondered if maybe there were some sort of spiritual thing going on.  Is the ringing a physical manifestation of something happening spiritually?  i was reminded of another story that the prayer lady had told, about how she had a tendency to analyze how God heals, trying to get better results by modifying what she did and deploying practices she believed were more effective.  She cautioned me against thinking that way.  It’s much better to just listen to God in each moment, she said, and simply respond to whatever He says, while continuing to believe, even if nothing seems to happen.
 
A year later, as i was preparing to take a sabbatical, God spoke to me about many things.  He was preparing me to receive many wonderful blessings, all of which would come through stillness.  Without stillness, He said, it was impossible to hear Him clearly.  Through stillness everything that isn’t from Him fades away.  As i live in stillness, He said, i would experience true silence, and the ringing in my ears would end.  The ringing in my ears was a sign that there was static in my connection with Him, but in stillness there is no static.
 
That was the first time that God confirmed there was indeed a spiritual root to my tinnitus.  Over the ensuing years, He confirmed that root again and again, as the ringing in my ears ebbed and flowed.  A week or so ago, i realized that all the ringing in my ears was finally gone!  It had been fading so slowly for such a long while that i stopped hearing it and didn’t notice when it disappeared.  i am healed, praise God!  What a miracle that is!  It took upwards of fourteen years.  Talk about a slow-moving miracle!
 
Last night i journaled about that:  “Since God repeatedly made it clear to me that my tinnitus had a spiritual root, the breakthrough i now have is way bigger than it might seem.  One way to put it is that i’m no longer being assaulted by the stressful spirits that had attacked my ears for years!  Another way to put it is that i’m now so filled with the God of peace that impure spirits have been silenced in my heart and mind and body!  How cool is that?!  The patience of Christ now so resides in me that all opposing spirits have fled!  Thank You, Jesus!  You Yourself are my peace, and nothing can stand against You!”
 
After i wrote those words i fell asleep, and in the middle of the night the anxious spirits i’d just written about rallied.  i couldn’t feel them - i still felt really still - but i could hear them.  They didn’t sound like the howling demons that haunt remote jungles where witchcraft is practiced; they sounded more like the ringing i thought i’d never hear again.  When i don’t focus on that sound, it disappears, but when i think about it, it’s there.  Denying it doesn’t help, but abiding in Jesus does!
 
It occurred to me that by journaling about anxious spirits, i’d unwittingly stirred them up.  They’re like schoolyard bullies who crave attention.  While i was pondering that, a verse came to mind.
 
Do not gloat when your enemy falls; when they stumble, do not let your heart rejoice, or the Lord will see and disapprove and turn His wrath away from them.  Proverbs 24:17-18
 
So i asked God to forgive me for gloating.
 
“I forgive you,” He responded.  “Don’t do it again.”
 
I won’t!  For Jesus said

​Do not rejoice that the spirits submit to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven.  Luke 10:20
 
i’m so grateful to God, that He is on the throne!  The Father loves me too much to let me wallow in pride.  i needed a rebuke, and i got one.  Those anxious spirits were pleased to do His bidding.
 
The Lord disciplines the one He loves, and He chastens everyone He accepts as His Son.  Hebrews 12:6
​

​​​Twelve years ago while i was praying, i had a vision where Jesus stretched out His hand toward me.  We both mounted horses and rode side by side through the trees.  Soon we came to the far end of the woods, which opened onto a broad, rolling meadow.  In the distance stood a shining city on a hill.  i wanted to check it out, but Jesus dismounted His horse and laid down next to the stream.  So reluctantly i also got off my horse and settled in next to Jesus.
 
We both laid there in the soft grass for awhile, our hands behind our heads as we looked up at the sky.  Then Jesus broke the silence.  “I know your heart is set on that city, but first you must learn to ride.”
 
“What’s up with that?” i wondered.   Chuckling, i asked what the horse represented.
 
“The power and the strength and the valor of God,” i heard in the Spirit.  It was such a massive revelation that it totally astounded me, and still does.  How could i ever hope to master such a thing?
 
A month later while i was hanging with a friend, he got a different sort of vision.  Jesus and i were celebrating Christmas, just the two of us.  Although it was His birthday, i was the one getting presents.  There were lots of gifts, and when i opened the smallest one i was overcome with joy because it was exceedingly good.  Although i wanted to open the other gifts, it wasn’t time for that.  It was time to savor the smallest gift, because it was the greatest.
 
My friend who’d seen these things didn’t identify the gift, but I knew what it was; it was intimacy with Jesus!  His presence is His greatest present; it’s the pearl of great price!  So that night i gave everything i had to God, and confessed to Him that He was worth way more than what i could give.  i asked Him to use everything i had and everything i was for His glory.  And then we talked some more about horses.
 
Some time ago i’d seen a movie named Buck, about a trainer who had a very special connection with his horse.  When i’d seen how Buck’s horse had moved under him - leaning left when he leaned left and to the right when he leaned right, not needing the slightest nudge of a rein or a heel but responding only to the shift of Buck’s weight, i felt a strong urge to become like that horse.  i wanted Jesus to gain such mastery over me that i became sensitive to His slightest leanings.
 
As bizarre as it sounds, that desire of mine didn’t prove fleeting, but only grew stronger over time.  So i invited Jesus to come live His life in me, however He chose.  i told Him that i wanted to be like Buck’s horse, responsive to His slightest touch and His every movement even when we weren’t touching.  Whichever way He moved, i wanted to move, freely, effortlessly and endlessly!
 
The next morning when i woke, i heard God tell me to go.  He didn’t say where, but i knew it was up the mountain, so i threw on my jeans, T-shirt and sandals and walked out the door.  He guided my steps and shared many things with me along the way, mostly without words.  This time it wasn’t just a vision, but something that really happened!
 
As we climbed above the forest, the sharp peaks and granite massifs of the Sawtooth Ridge came into view.  My heart soared to see the spring snowmelt glistening in the sunlight and cascading over smoothly polished rocks.  Above the highest falls the trail flattened and the creek meandered through broken glades of pine and fir.  i found a shady spot in a horseshoe bend and sat down in soft grass.  Kicking off my sandals, i dangled my feet in the stream and soaked in the breathtaking view.
 
“i am here,” i said, recalling the words of Samuel.  “Speak, Lord, for your servant is listening.”
 
After a little while He led me to strip down and dunk myself three times in the glacier-fed stream.  When i finally stood up i was no longer pale, but a rosy numb icicle.  So i quickly hopped out of the frigid water and sat cross-legged in a sliver of sunshine on the bank, still dripping wet.
 
“Put on your clothes,” God said.
 
No sooner had i pulled up my boxers than i glimpsed a lone backpacker trekking up the trail.  i struggled to yank my jeans over my damp legs, then pull my t-shirt over my head.  “Now I know why You had me dress so quickly,” i thought.  The hiker seemed to be looking straight up the trail and was a good forty yards away from me, so he probably hadn’t seen me.  i was grateful for the privacy.
 
After i’d warmed up a bit i found a fallen tree spanning the creek and clumsily traipsed over it into a pristine meadow, where i tossed off my shirt and plunked myself down in long, soft grass.  Soaking up a lot more sun as my hands now rested behind my head, i was reminded of the vision i’d had a month earlier.  This time, however, Jesus didn’t say anything to me.
 
For the next six weeks i pondered the meaning of all those things, without much revelation.  Then God reminded me that the place where i had been immersed was called Horse Creek!  By dunking me in it, He’d anointed me to move in power, strength and valor; that’s why i had been submerged three times.  Through it He was seeding a new heart in me, the heart of His beloved.  Yet most of my growth seemed to take place after the action stopped, while i was kicking it with Jesus by the stream.
 
First i had seen it, then i had lived it, straight out of the Twenty-third Psalm.  But there was also a tinge of Job, for several months before i’d gotten a vision about peace i’d gotten a vision about war.
 
A friend and i were in a foxhole.  He was on the bottom and i was lying on top of him, covering him.  Shot in the back, i was bleeding profusely from friendly fire.  It was a ghastly image, yet it wasn’t demonic because it had arisen during a church service while i was passionately worshipping God.
 
i wanted to move beyond that grisly scene, so I tried to imagine Jesus by my side, putting His hand on me, healing the wound.  But i didn’t seem to be thinking clearly, so i asked God to show me how the vision ended.
 
i saw my lifeless body again, but this time my spirit had left my flesh and hovered above it.  My friend, realizing i was dead, pushed me aside, stuck his head out of the foxhole and looked around.  Seeing no signs of engagement, he jumped out of the hole and trotted off with his semiautomatic weapon slung over his shoulder, disappearing over the horizon.
 
Most of that year passed before God showed me that the vision of my friend and me in a foxhole and the vision of Jesus and me at the stream were successive parts of a single vision.  Together they portrayed the true story about how i had been wounded and how i was being healed.
 
It was quite an “Aha!” to realize that as soon as my friend had disappeared over the horizon, Jesus had reached out His hand to me.  But it took me quite awhile to grasp what it all meant.
 
Sixteen months before i’d gotten that first vision, i’d taken a lot of blows in a ministry i was leading.  i had been hauled before my supervisor and blamed for a lot of things i hadn’t done.  A bunch of people i had depended upon suddenly left me, and the ministry collapsed.  The accusations echoed things the enemy had been lying to me about for decades.  i was hit hard in places i’d first been wounded as a child.  Although i had forgiven everyone and we’d all moved on, the ministry didn’t recover until i stepped away from it.
 
What felt like a defeat turned out to be a victory, when viewed through the lens of the cross.  God worked relentlessly to heal my trauma and grow in me a new heart, rooted in His love as a Father and His devotion as a Son.  He also spoke repeatedly to me about Who He was as Father, Son and Spirit, mainly through the Book of Isaiah, but also through the Book of Job.
 
When Job was struggling to see where God was in the midst of his trials, God had said to him
 
Do you give the horse its strength or clothe its neck with a flowing mane?  It laughs at fear, afraid of nothing; it does not shy away from the sword.  Job 39:19, 22
 
When i saw that God was the source of that horse’s strength, i knew that He was also the source of mine.  Indeed, the Hebrew word for strength, geburah, literally means strength, power and valor!  i didn’t know that when i first heard those words, but God showed me it a couple months later, to confirm that the visions i’d gotten were really from Him and that i was hearing clearly from Him about how He was moving to restore my heart.  And when i was tempted to doubt Him about that, He led a couple friends of mine to speak that same verse from Job over me, two years later.
 
All that time i thought i was waiting for Jesus to show me how to ride.  But then Holy Spirit reminded me of something Jesus had said to His disciples on His last night: that He Himself was the way!  Jesus is true geburah, the very strength and power and valor of God, in the Spirit and in the flesh!  He also reminded me of something i’d written the first time i saw Jesus on a horse.
 
He is a victorious warrior, towering above all others, fierce and valiant and strong.  His stature is imposing, His face radiant, and His hair caressed by the breath of God.  Cloaked in a glistening robe and a scarlet sash, He wages war without armor, wielding only a gleaming sword.
 
That’s an amazing picture of Jesus, the rider called Faithful and True!  As i’ve learned to not only see Him that way, but to sup with Him in the presence of the enemy, His heart as a warrior has been stirred in me.  In Him i also have geburah, and can ride in the strength and power and valor of God!
 
Yet as soon as i allowed myself to admit that that was how Jesus wanted to live in me, i was really intimidated.  How could i ever live up to such lofty expectations?
 
When God saw doubt creeping back into me, this time posing as humility, He made it clear to me that walking in strength, power and valor wasn’t anything i could do, but only something Christ’s Spirit could do in me.  He’d begun working that way even before i’d gotten any visions, the day my ministry began to unravel.  When my work became a cross, Jesus began leading me to die to myself and live more fully in Him.  Yet it was hard for me to grasp how lying with Him beside a stream was preparing me for battle.
 
It took several years for me to accept that stillness in the main way i’ve grown closer to God.  Too often in quiet times i’ve thought and acted like He was somewhere else - like i was trying to connect with someone who was far away, as if He wasn’t in the room and wasn’t living in me, His heart beating in mine.  Yet Jesus Himself is my heart, and i have no other heart than His!
 
God finally brought me to a place where i fully acknowledged my doubt and began to repent from my disengagement.  Then He reminded me of that part of my vision where i’d dismounted my horse and chose to draw nearer to Jesus, rather than chasing after that shining city on a hill.
 
So, four years after i got the original vision, i finally asked Jesus, "what’s the shining city?"
 
"Religious success," i heard.
 
A barrage of images flooded my mind and heart.  i thought of churches fixated on miracles that seek to capture attention and stir emotions through heart-pounding music.  And i thought of the ministry i used to lead that consumed all my time, energy and attention.  Praise God that it failed, or i failed, and He called me out of it, for it's been richly rewarding to grow closer to Jesus, even if my intimacy with Him has arisen in fits and starts.
 
Yet it took a long time for me to truly receive what God was trying to show me:  that Jesus Himself is my ministry, my life, my passion and my call.  He's not a means to an end; He’s everything, and i’m so glad that His Spirit brought me to a place where i’m not only believing in Him, but seeing Him, walking with Him and smearing Him on others, through His Spirit in me!
 
And what about that horse?  Though i’d received it as a gift from Jesus, i had to dismount it and lay by the stream with Him before i even began to grasp what to do with it.  In other words, i had to get off my high horse and surrender my attachment to heavenly strength, power and valor before i could learn to walk in it or ride it.
 
That begs the question: am i a rider, or a horse?  For many years i pursued God, and He pursued me, before i acknowledged that to move in kingdom strength, power and valor i must become the horse.  i will never gain mastery over those things; i will become those things, as Jesus gains His mastery over me!
 
As for that shining city, it surely would have become my religious ambition, had i chased after it as i once longed to do.  But by God’s grace i heeded His call and laid with Jesus by the stream.  In stillness He healed my broken heart and untangled my twisted thinking, so i no longer see others as a religious project, but through the eyes of Jesus, as the light of the world!
 
Light reflects Who Jesus is and how He lives in each of us, as we learn to tap into His incredible strength and power and valor.  It’s a huge miracle, but a slow-moving one, unfolding as we lay with Him by the stream.

Yesterday when i reached the end of my ride, i hopped off my bike and weaved my way through some trees to take a snapshot of my destination, a lake.  By the time i returned to my bike, my shirt, forearms and hands were all smeared with sap.  The trees, i guess, we’re in distress, and so was i, because everything i touched became gooey.  i carefully pocketed my phone and started heading back downhill, using only my pinky fingers to brake because the rest of my hands were sticky.
 
Fortunately, there was a campground nearby and its general store had rubbing alcohol, which i used to clear the sap off of myself and my bike.  The owner of the store had no idea rubbing alcohol worked that way, but maybe his wife did, because she did their ordering and had obviously chosen to stock it, even though it was a small store without a lot of stuff.
 
i was thinking about that owner today as i pondered my walk with God.  How often have i had the stuff i needed to get out of a jam, but not know what it’s purpose was or how i could apply it to move forward!  God began preparing me to think about that three days ago, when i drove seven hours roundtrip to get a faucet for a kitchen sink.  By the time i finally returned with the faucet, i was wreck.
 
i could point to a lot of things that wore on me that day, but when i crawled into bed Holy Spirit convicted me that my root problem was that i had pretty much driven the whole way by myself, rather than letting Jesus take the wheel.  Oh, i sang along to some praise songs i listened to on the way, but that’s not the same as surrendering to Him.  When i’m fully surrendered and abiding in Him driving isn’t a battle, no matter how bad the traffic is or how annoying the drivers might be.  When i’m fully abiding in Jesus i don’t get offended when other drivers act poorly, and i act kindly toward them no matter what they do to me, just like Jesus does.  So for the last couple of days i’ve been praying off and on, over and over, “Jesus, take the wheel!  Please help me fully abide in You.  i need to depend upon You, not only when i’m driving but for everything i’m doing every day!”
 
This morning God answered my prayer through a verse He’d already put on my calendar for today.
 
Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.  Isaiah 40:30-31
 
But i had no idea that God was helping me abide when i first read this verse.  “Say what?” was my first reaction.  “How does waiting on the Lord make me soar?”
 
Holy Spirit answered my question by reminding me of something Jesus had said to Martha, when she was grieving over the death of her brother Lazarus.
 
“I am the resurrection and the life.”  John 11:25
 
A lot of people look down on Martha because she seemed more inclined to work for Jesus than hang with Him.  But most of us are more like her than we’d like to admit.  Take me for example; i find religious tasks like reading my Bible, going to church and praying for people more easy to pull off than simply hanging with Jesus (or abiding in Him, which is the Biblical term for hanging).  i can usually pull off some measure of abiding while His Spirit and i are doing a task together, but when not much is happening, i act like a stray dog and start to wander.  Or if i get too focused on a nonreligious task, like finding a faucet, i tend to fall into “get ‘er done” mode and leave Jesus in the dust.
 
So like i said, Martha and i have a lot in common.  But that actually encourages me, because Jesus knew that Martha had similar tendencies - that she could disengage from Him even while He was standing right there looking at her, speaking to Her and preparing to do something amazing for her.  Even though she wasn’t anything like her sister Mary, Jesus didn’t compare her or judge her.  He knew what Martha needed and He helped her lay hold of it.
 
“If you believe,” He said, “you will see the glory of God.”  John 11:40
 
A lot of people saw Jesus raise Lazarus from the dead, but only some of them saw the glory of God.  Jesus is the glory of God.  When people witness a miracle, they tend to focus on the work instead of the worker.  Jesus didn’t want Martha to get distracted by the miracle he was about to work, so He called her to believe what He’d already said, that He was the resurrection and the life.
 
When her brother Lazarus walked out of his tomb, he undoubtedly saw Jesus in an entirely new light.  Jesus wasn’t just some miracle-working shaman; Jesus was the reason Lazarus was alive!  Jesus truly was his resurrection and life!  Apart from Jesus he was dead but through Jesus He was alive!
 
And that was also true for Martha, even though she hadn’t physically died.  Without Jesus she was spiritually dead, yet Jesus was working to become the source and fulfillment of her life.  To the extent she believed it, she would experience it.  For that’s what Jesus came to do: not only resurrect her brother’s body or resurrect His own body, but resurrect Himself in her!
 
The life Jesus offered Martha was amazing, way beyond anything the world could offer or dream up.  But it’s a resurrected life and there’s no resurrection without death.  If Martha did the dying, Jesus would do the living.  The more Martha gave up her old task-centered life, the more that Jesus would become the center of her new Spirit-filled life.
 
And that’s what i also needed to realize today, to grasp how waiting on the Lord could make my Spirit-man soar.
 
i don’t like waiting because it crucifies my flesh.  Whenever i have to wait, i start getting fidgety, and the more i have to wait the more anxious i become.  i need patience, which my fleshly man doesn’t have.  To find patience, i must set aside whatever i’m longing for and turn to Jesus.  In Him i have all the patience i need. And not just patience, but love, joy, peace and all the other fruits of His Spirit!  Those aren’t just benefits of my abiding in Him; they’re all part of how Jesus lives in me.  He doesn’t just give me love, joy, peace and patience; He Himself is divine love, joy, peace and patience, incarnate in me!
 
But Jesus isn’t only heaven incarnate; He’s also the Christ.  For He says
 
Whoever wants to be My disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow Me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for Me will find it.  Matthew 16:24-25
 
So the price of soaring with Him on wings like eagles is denying myself and exchanging my agenda for His.  He offers enormous blessing, but in His timing through His way, which usually involves finding my love, joy, peace and patience - indeed my entire life - in Him, instead of my circumstances.
 
i was pondering that today as i was preparing to cross a swollen stream.  That particular stream has several channels, and i can usually get across all of them by walking across logs, stepping on rocks or hopping from bank to bank without getting my feet wet.  Karen and i tried to cross the same stream three weeks ago but had to turn back because there was way too much water.  But now, because virtually all the snow had melted, i thought the spring runoff would have subsided.  But the stream was still raging!  There were obviously hidden storehouses God was still releasing, beyond the snowmelt.  So i had to give up my desire for dry feet to follow Jesus and reach my destination.
 
As i waded through the stream in my hiking boots, i noted that although the water was pristine, some of the rocks were slimy, and i saw that as a metaphor for walking with the Lord.  i can either hang onto my desires (in this case, for dry feet) and abandon Him, or surrender my desires and abide in Him.  Surrender is way better because His heart is so pristine, but i’m still going to end up wading through some slime.  It feels really personal, and if the enemy gets involved it can sometimes feel downright traumatic, but it’s really only my flesh that He is circumcising.  The things He is cutting off of me (in this case, my attachment to comfort) lightens my load and enables me to soar!
 
Which brings me back to the rubbing alcohol that works wonders.  There’s only a couple ways it’s going to do you any good.  Either you spend many years and lots of trial and error finding out that rubbing alcohol melts sap, or you learn that secret from someone else.
 
Waiting on the Lord is like that.  Either you spend many years and lots of trial and error learning that waiting actually makes your spirit soar, or you learn it from someone else.  Or read it in the Bible.  However you end up learning about it, do you actually believe it?  Or do you have to try it for yourself before you actually acknowledge that waiting on God isn’t just wishful thinking, but actually works?
 
If you’re like me and have to try things for yourself, you’ll probably discover that it takes lots and lots of waiting before your Spirit-man or woman finally becomes light enough to soar, even in your dreams.  But not to worry, as we learn to trust Jesus, He becomes our patience, as well as our resurrection and life.  After all, it’s not really any particular thing we’re waiting for Him to do; it’s just tapping into Who He already is in us.  Or will soon become, as we let Him rub Himself all the way into us, in the most miraculous of ways, as the Christ.

Going a little farther, Jesus fell with His face to the ground and prayed, "My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from Me.  Yet not as I will, but as You will."  Then He returned to His disciples and found them sleeping.  "Couldn't you men keep watch with Me for one hour?" He asked Peter.  "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation.  The Spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”  Matthew 26:39-41
 
Godly vigilance involves doing what we see Jesus do.  Yet Jesus’s first disciples were tempted to disengage from Him when things grew troubled.  i also have that same temptation today - to think that because Jesus does the heavy lifting, there’s not much for me to do.  But i must follow Him, and if i don't, i’m not really one of His sheep.1
 
Clinging to Jesus in troubled times is hard work, demanding that i not only engage Him, but engage the Father by His Spirit.  My salvation isn’t passive but active;2 it demands my surrender.  When i pray along with Jesus, “Not my will but Yours,” i’m agreeing to engage the Father, because it’s the Father’s desire that His children engage with Him.
 
Engagement involves talking with Him, i.e. prayer.  But there’s more to vigilance than prayer.  When i truly engage with a holy God, it crucifies my flesh.  Full surrender involves laying down all my fleshly leanings, engaging the Father by His Spirit, and taking up my cross.  That’s what Jesus did, what His first disciples eventually did after they received His Spirit, and what i must also do to follow Him.3  If i fail to fully engage the triune God i haven’t really surrendered to Him, no matter how i might have prayed.
 
 
1 John 10:27
2 Philippians 2:12
3 Matthew 16:24-25

​Dear friends of mine got married recently, and i was blessed to be part of their wedding.  Jesus loves weddings and marriages, and His hope for that couple, and all married couples, is that their love for each other would continue to grow until it fully reflects God’s love for us.  Jesus said that the main way people would come to know Him is by the way we love each other.  He calls us into love in many different ways, by loving our neighbors, loving the nations, and even loving our enemies.  But one of the greatest ways He calls us into love is by leading us to give ourselves to each other as husband and wife.
 
It’s a huge honor, for Jesus to call us husbands to love our wives as fully as He loves us!  And it’s a huge honor for our wives to devote themselves as fully to us as Jesus devotes Himself to them and to the Father!  But what does that really mean?
 
The world has a script for love, which goes something like this:  Boy meets girl and girl meets boy, they fall madly in love, get married, enjoy incredible time in bed, have some wonderful kids together, and live happily ever after.  
 
Marital bliss is a very captivating notion, and many weddings are designed to help couples put their best foot forward and launch them toward a richly blessed life.  But if you talk to those who’ve actually been married for awhile, we’ll all have to admit that while weddings can approach the perfect, marriages never are.  All marriages fall short because we as husbands and wives aren’t perfect, and we bring all our shortcomings into our marriages and we have to confront them - our own shortcomings and those of our spouses - to move forward.
 
Some folks think that our flaws make marriage undesirable or unattainable, but i’m pretty sure that God doesn’t look at marriage that way.  God is the source of all love and He is the original creator of marriage - He is the one, after all, Who hooked Adam up with Eve - and His vision for a perfect marriage is starkly different than the one the world promotes.  
 
God knows that honeymoons don’t last, so He starts working, even before a couple first meets, to lay underneath them a foundation for their marriage that will stand the test of time and will serve them well, and serve Him well, for the rest of their lives here on this earth, and even farther, into eternity.
 
That foundation is Jesus.  The Bible says there’s no other foundation than Him.  If we try to build our marriages on mere romance, on nothing more than happy feelings and wishful thinking, it will crash.  But if we build our marriages on Jesus as our Rock, we’ll find that He will bless us with many amazing times, and He will sustain us during hard times.  He will be there to strengthen us husbands, on days when we have to figure out how to love our wives when we’re not sure if we even like them.  And He will be there to strengthen our wives, on days when they have to figure out how to honor us when they’re struggling to even respect us.
 
Which begs the question, how does He do that?  How does Jesus love?  God answered that question through the words of the Apostle Paul.
 
And now i will show you the most excellent way. . .
If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.
If I have the gift of prophecy, and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
If I give all I possess to the poor and and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
1 Corinthians 12:31b - 13:8a
 
Wow!  These words brings tears to my eyes, because love truly is the most excellent of ways, and what Paul wrote reminds me so much of Jesus!  Paul was a man who was so far from God that he was literally murdering anyone he could find who believed in Jesus, yet Jesus met Paul right where he was at, struck him with a lightning bolt, and turned his whole life upside down and inside out.  That’s how Jesus’s love still works today - it’s a lightning bolt that blasts away our old way of living, which tends to be about ourselves, and empowers us with an entirely new life, and a new way of living that’s about Jesus and His love for us!
 
When Jesus loves, He is patient and kind.  He is humble and tenderhearted, not proud and self-serving.  He honors others and quickly forgives.  He always protects, always trusts, always hopes and always endures!  And that’s how He is empowering us husbands to love our wives, and that’s how He is empowering our wives to love us, especially when neither of us deserve it.  That’s what wedding vows are really about; they’re about Jesus.  When we pledge ourselves to each other, we’re committing our marriage to Jesus and promising to love each other the way He loves us!
 
If that doesn’t make us afraid, it should, because Jesus’s love is scary!  It’s a crazy high standard; it’s highly sacrificial and impossible to meet.  But it’s also way cool, because Jesus knew we could never love His way on our own; we would continue to fall short, so He gave us His Spirit to live inside and help us stop fixating on ourselves, or the shortcomings of our spouses, and enable us to see ourselves and each other through His tender eyes.
 
And He does that really well, on days when everything seems to be unfolding according to plan, and on other days when our expectations get crushed and we don’t feel good about how well we’re following Him.
 
That’s because from the beginning that’s been one of His biggest dreams -  to empower us to love each other really well, no matter what comes our way.  And He moved huge mountains to make that happen.  Even when evil men nailed Him to a cross, He kept pouring out His love upon us, and through His death and resurrection He healed our broken hearts and restored our capacity for healthy relationships!
 
Do you know that you were so much on Jesus’s heart, that He prayed for you on His last night?  One of His last prayers before He went to the cross was that the we would be one in Him, as He is one with the Father!  We find that prayer in the book of John, Chapter 17, and it’s really bold, because Jesus and our Heavenly Father are really tight.  As Father and Son, they are so intimate with each other that they think each other’s thoughts, feel what each other feels and always seek to please each other, no matter what.  And that’s Jesus’s hope and dream for married couples, that we would also think each other’s thoughts, feel what each other feels, and always seek to please each other, no matter what.
 
It sounds impossible, but when we turn to Jesus and let Him love through us, His love never fails.  That’s because it’s God Himself Who makes us one, and our marriages are covered by the power of Jesus’s blood.  Many things may come against us and try to take our marriages out, but those attacks will fail, because Jesus is always victorious and He lives and loves victoriously, even in us!
 
The sacrament of marriage is a gift from God, a holy mystery in which a man and a woman become one.  If it seems impossible, that’s because it isn’t something any human can do.  It’s something God Himself does, because at its core the union of husband and wife isn’t merely physical, emotional, legal or practical.  While a marriage involves all those things, at its core, the union of husband and wife is spiritual.  Through our marriages, we come to share one heart, one Spirit, one faith, one hope, one love, and one life.  It’s holy because it’s smeared with Jesus’s blood and because our marriages mirror the union of Jesus Christ to His bride, the church.
 
Jesus’s love for us is rooted in His devotion and submission to the Father.  And so our love for one another is also rooted in our devotion and submission.  As we surrender to Jesus and let Him live and love through us, His devotion and submission becomes ours.  That’s why the core of our vows are about loving and obeying - because Jesus is all about loving and obeying!
 
When we love each other that way, it melts all boundaries between us.  When we love each other that way, we experience the highest form of intimacy.  For when we love each other that way, we enjoy the same sort of connection with each other that Jesus has with the Father!
 
So i’m praying for you who are married, that your hearts and life would overflow with passion for each other and passion for Jesus.  May you never stop honoring and cherishing each other, and patiently keep forgiving each other no matter what, just as Christ has forgiven you.  And may His Spirit fall upon you and fill you, keeping you faithful to Him and each other, as you joyfully embrace the fullness of your union in Christ!